Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.