Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

I think I’ll stand

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

10: I think I want to run the 10k

Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?