Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.