Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Bread puns are on the rise!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”