Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂