Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

I feel like one of these would kill a European

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it