Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking at you, Jesus.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

set yourself free xox

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND