me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Spa day..😅
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever