Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Best spoiler warning ever

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

The Friday File.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things