me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
I’m ready for Halloween this year
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”