Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.