Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Match dot com, but for socks.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time