Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way