me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Can you solve the riddle??
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY