me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You Might Also Like
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*