Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Lol Tomb Raider.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
3-year-old: A monster truck.
I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.
[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one