Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

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Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.


ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems


ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on



I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.


Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*


When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.


Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.


[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one