Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My work here is don’t.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car