Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

pain

What a chick magnet..

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale