Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Awesome parenting 😂

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

“what’s it like having a sister?”

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”