Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.