Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.