Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

Choose your fighter

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Proofread twice, hang posters once

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009: