Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Ha
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy