Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…