Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling