Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
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Breaking news:
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
That time Alicia messaged me
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?