Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*