Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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an octopus is just a wet spider
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”