Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!