Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]