Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
You Might Also Like
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The photographer’s assistant
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.