me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?