Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to walk around a museum

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense