Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Thursday Thought.

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?