Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

You had me at “define legal”.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*