Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
This kid is going places
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO