Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
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me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
it is time once again
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
The news is so predictable nowadays
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
accurate