Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The dark side of Canada
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.