Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids