Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

I put the h in mysterious.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie