Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Storm Tropical Storm

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.