Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”