Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.