Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

✌️

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…