Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Cat is stressing him out.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband