Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
…..pretty much.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.