Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined