Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Wolves should really raise more people.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
#Caturday
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us