Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.