Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I have a new favorite meme page
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
finally found a reasonable question
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Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
no refunds
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.