Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Jesus Christ lmao

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can