me
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.