me
You Might Also Like
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that