Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Every photo I’m tagged in

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

Bros before Ohioes

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

I love this❤️😁👍

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.