Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

Real House Wines.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.