Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

o shit

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Frog purse.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship