I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.