Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
C: make an illegal U-turn
You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
Me : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.