Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

I miss this era type of pranks😭

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*