Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

when mom throws a party…

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars