Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.