Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

i’m laughing very hard in real life

I cannot call her anything else now

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Dyslexics are teople poo!

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.