Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too