Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make me look good naked.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

not seeing the problem

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Farmer: Here, take a gander.

Goose: No! My husband!

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

What do you text your spouse?

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.