Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
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NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in