Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing