meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Damn what did I do next
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Better luck next time champ
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
🤣
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-