meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.