meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first