Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.