Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

I already tried new things thanks.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

584.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Finally a use for spoilers…

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.