Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

so weird how every mom was born today

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”