Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me, reading some of your tweets
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”