Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When you try jalapeños for the first time
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.