[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
8: Can I have a hug, dad?
Me: Sure thing.
*big hug and then 8 leaves the room
8 (talking to his brother in the other room): You’re right! He has gotten fatter!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!