Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?