Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@sad_tree

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

@JJSummertime

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

@cbdoubleu

I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.

@VitaeArcanum

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

@IronWang

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

@drinksmcgee

8: Can I have a hug, dad?
Me: Sure thing.

*big hug and then 8 leaves the room

8 (talking to his brother in the other room): You’re right! He has gotten fatter!

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@jensrmk

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!