Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Free him
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
