Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”
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Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
This is my pinned tweet
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’