Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My love language is deader than Latin
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just grow your own
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Ah..makes sense now
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!