*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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