Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.